The stairwell and hallway at the gym tonight have been befouled by a stench so heinous that it nearly defies description. The only things that could stink up the place this bad would be either a two week old corpse, or a fundamentalist Christian doing stand up. The most distinct odors I’m registering are cooked chocolate, so rich and cloying it smothers the smeller, along with burnt hair, and death.
At the gym tonight, every shower was taken, except for one at the back of the row. It had terrible water pressure, and no cold water at all. Scalding hot. The other guys must have used up all of the cold water on that side, the wet bastards. I went to the other side of the locker room. The side where I had never previously ventured.
My coworker once told me there were showers back there. “Have you used them?” he had asked me. I told him no. He smiled and said, “You should.” His grin made me uncomfortable.
None of the showers were in use on that “other” side. It was dark and deserted. The first shower I went into had no working water. The next one had no soap. The next looked scary. Finally, I found a shower. Great water pressure, hot and cold running water. This was the life. Then half way through the bathing process, the soap dispenser runs out. I had to walk back out to the first shower, the one without water, and soap myself down. As I was about to walk back, I thought, “You know as you’re walking back, lathered from head to toe, you’re going to run into someone, right?” Even though there was no one else showering in that area, this seemed like a perfectly logical assumption, considering how things were going.
I popped out of the stall and a naked old man was standing there staring back at me. Like he was waiting on THAT shower, despite all of the other showers in there. There was just this second of silence between us before he bellowed at me, “SLIPPERY WHEN WET!” I assume he was trying to tell me to be careful so I wouldn’t slip and fall. But I have no idea why he chose to communicate it like that, unless he suffered from a brain disorder, or he was from a foreign land and those were the only words of English that he knew. Despite his warning, I ran to my shower.