Man, I seriously dread whenever I step out of my house at night. No matter how simple and quick the errand should be, I end up being dragged off into Crazyville.
Tonight’s trek to the grocery for some cheese and tomatoes started off with me nearly being rammed head on by someone who was driving on the wrong side of the road. Followed ten minutes later by the lady behind me in the checkout lane, who tells me, “You people need to go to the store more often to see how it’s done!” She said this because I did not put down the divider to separate her cartload of pork rinds and baked beans from my cheese and tomatoes. When I ignored her, she went into a tirade about all of my sins, including not moving up in the line fast enough, using a shopping cart when I clearly didn’t have enough items to fill it (I should have used a hand cart), and yada yada crazy talk yada yada.
I finally turned to her (I know, I know) and I said, “Lady, you are NUTS. And I know I’m not the first person to tell you that, so don’t act shocked.” She applauded me, saying to anyone nearby, “Right, there, folks,” waving her finger at me, “A typical ASSHOLE! Right there, he is. ASSHOLE!” At this point, I was just sad for me. I tried to get out quickly. But, of course, the credit card reader wasn’t working. “Ah, ha!” she yelled. “Karma!”
Ruby will always let Zelda eat before her. She’ll even sit back and let Zelda enter a room first. But, for some reason, she will forcibly knock Zelda out of the way so she can get front row on watching the water drip down the shower curtain. She’s a very odd creature.
At the gym tonight, every shower was taken, except for one at the back of the row. It had terrible water pressure, and no cold water at all. Scalding hot. The other guys must have used up all of the cold water on that side, the wet bastards. I went to the other side of the locker room. The side where I had never previously ventured.
My coworker once told me there were showers back there. “Have you used them?” he had asked me. I told him no. He smiled and said, “You should.” His grin made me uncomfortable.
None of the showers were in use on that “other” side. It was dark and deserted. The first shower I went into had no working water. The next one had no soap. The next looked scary. Finally, I found a shower. Great water pressure, hot and cold running water. This was the life. Then half way through the bathing process, the soap dispenser runs out. I had to walk back out to the first shower, the one without water, and soap myself down. As I was about to walk back, I thought, “You know as you’re walking back, lathered from head to toe, you’re going to run into someone, right?” Even though there was no one else showering in that area, this seemed like a perfectly logical assumption, considering how things were going.
I popped out of the stall and a naked old man was standing there staring back at me. Like he was waiting on THAT shower, despite all of the other showers in there. There was just this second of silence between us before he bellowed at me, “SLIPPERY WHEN WET!” I assume he was trying to tell me to be careful so I wouldn’t slip and fall. But I have no idea why he chose to communicate it like that, unless he suffered from a brain disorder, or he was from a foreign land and those were the only words of English that he knew. Despite his warning, I ran to my shower.
Dr: You’ve lost a lot of weight.
Me: I’ve gained five pounds since the last time you saw me.
Dr: Well, you know what they say. Okay, let’s see, you finished taking Z-pack a week ago . . .
Me: What do they say?
Me: You said “you know what they say”. But I don’t know what they say.
Dr: Oh, people say all sorts of stuff.