What have I learned from this past month?  First, I’ve learned that doing something you enjoy doing is much less enjoyable when it becomes a requirement.  Secondly, I’ve learned that I rely too heavily on words like like, however, and seriously.  Lastly, I’ve learned what kind of dedication it takes to type in complete sentences when there’s a cat obstructing your view of the monitor.  As Ruby is doing right now.

I can safely say that I’m not really a post a day kind of person.  More like three or four times a week.  That’s what I’m going to shoot for from now on.  But this week, expect me to take a nice, relaxing break.

Maybe.

This morning, Mrs. Lizard King said, “You know, Sweetie.  You’re getting too old to drink like that.  Your body can’t handle it.”

To which I replied, “I will not let society’s restrictions keep me from achieving my dreams.”

Heh.  That showed her.

Ugh.  I have to go lie down.

And what better way to continue the Thanksgiving festivities than by settling with with a couple of holiday features.  Tonight, my good friend, the dreaded Kingmob, and I, will be screening Wholly Moses (Starring Dudley Moore) and the Human Centipede (starring a human centipede).  There will be lots of drinking involved, followed by bad religious jokes, followed by hot centipede-on-centipede action.  Then we’re going to watch the movies.  Ha!  Just kidding.  It promises to be a great time, and I sincerely hope I don’t hurl.

Aren’t you sad that you can’t join us, Internet?  I feel for you, so here’s a taste of what you’ll be missing.

(Moses-wise, not Centipede.  Perfectly safe to watch, I swear.)

Finally, after all these years, I have made my dream turkey.  Seasoned with tarragon, garlic, butter, salt, pepper, rosemary, thyme, and savory.  This is a joyous day indeed!

Merry Thanksgiving Day everyone.  And to all, a good feasting.

Now, bring on the beer and pecan pie!

(Ding!)  Round two.

It was very brave of her to say this.  She knows how deeply the old wound still burns.

Seven years ago we tried to cook a turkey.  I mean, cook a raw turkey.  None of this pre-smoked bullshit.  We got Alton Brown’s recipe from the Food Network.  Alton Brown, host of the long running Good Eats, said that basting was a waste of time, since the broth just runs off of the meat and isn’t absorbed.  So, we did not baste.  Alton also said that continually opening the oven to baste the turkey lengthened the cooking time.  It was best to put it in the oven and keep the door closed until the bird was done.  So, that’s what we did.

I slaved over that turkey.  I had great hopes for that turkey.  That turkey was like the child I could never have.  (Don’t worry, it’s not a physical thing; I’m just not crazy about kids.)  We followed Alton’s recipe to the letter.  We checked the temperature just like Alton said.  No cheap pop up thingy for us.  No, sir.  Alton said that would cause the succulent juices to drain out, leaving our golden turkey a dry, mummified husk.  We used a fancy meat thermometer.  When it was time, we checked the temp, and it was just as it should have been.  We set about carving our first we-did-it-all-ouselves Thanksgiving turkey.  The result?

The turkey was still red in the middle.

Red.  Blood red.

The turkey was still red for the love of Moses, Alton, it was still red you sonofabitch!

Okay. Deep breath.

I told you, it’s a touchy subject.  I get emotional.

I ended up dismantling the turkey and frying it.  Fried turkey.  For Thanksgiving.

Fried turkey for Thanksgiving, Alton!  Bet you never had to have fried turkey for Thanksgiving you monkey loving AntiChrist!

Okay.  Oh, boy.  I’m going to have cut this post short.

Anyhow, Mrs. Lizard King convinced me that after seven years of mourning, it was time to give it another go.  We’ve already bought the victim- I mean, the subject – I mean, the Butterball.  It doesn’t feel like ours yet.  I’m hoping in a few days that will change.  Maybe we’ll do some bonding activities with it.  Take it to the movies or something, I don’t know.

I promise not to leave you hanging.  I will document this procedure every step of the way.  Just like they did in the movie Splice.

On second thought, that’s a really disturbing example.  Forget I said that.

Oh, did I mention we’re also having pie?

Woo-hoo! It’s Friday!

I’d like to offer some very simple, bi-partisan advice to all involved.

MY ADVICE TO DEMS & REPUBS

• Make sure to tell each other at lest once a day how pretty you think they are.  (I’m looking at you, Mitch McConnell.)
• Before taking the last eggroll, ask the other person if they would like it.
• Never bring up sexual dysfunction when you’re angry.
• Allow puppies and kittens to free roam the Senate chamber.  They’ve been known to have stress-relieving properties.
• No always means no.  (Unless you can reach a compromise through backroom negotiation or good old fashioned blackmail.)
• Don’t go to bed without first resolving health care issues.
• A punch to the solar plexus, or knee to the groin, can be a healthy expression of disapproval.  But slapping is girly.  Don’t slap.
• Don’t say things in the heat of passion unless you really mean them.
• Bring back the toga!  Senators may relax more with increased air circulation to the nether regions.
• Orgasms, orgasms, orgasms.

That’s all I got.  But remember that some playful tickling from time to time doesn’t hurt, either..

I think I’m biased from reading the comic series that the show is based on.  They’ve made a lot of changes to the story, and I guess I can see why.  This is the season that needs to hook in viewers.  So they ramp up the melodrama and add more characters, I get it.  I’m just not sure that they really needed, too.  Increasing the number of characters has lessened the feeling of alienation that exists in the comic.  From the looks of things, even more characters will be introduced in next week’s episode.  Unless some of these people start dying off, the humans are going to outnumber the zombies.

I do think the show will evolve into a much better series by next season.  They’ve already proven that they can draw in a heavy viewership.  Maybe their insecurity will fade and they’ll be more inclined to take chances with the story.  They better be, man.  There’s some heavy shit coming.  If they screw it up, I will never forgive them.

Well, once again, my hopes for a decent alien invasion have been flushed down the toilet by this weekend’s opening of Skyline.  Looks like it’s a pretty miserable affair.  Is it really that difficult to make a large scale aliens-attack-the-shit-out-of-us movie that doesn’t suck?  Apparently it is.

Now, we have the trailer for Battle: Los Angeles.  It looks promising, so my fingers are crossed.

It’s a good sign that Michelle Rodriguez is in it.  I bet her resume just says, ” Badass bitch with a gun – any questions?”  I’m almost certain that if aliens attacked us for real, Michelle Rodriguez would be drafted to a special government task force for the kicking of alien ass.  Her and Danny Trejo.  Although, I don’t think Danny has fought aliens as of yet.  So this is something that desperately needs to happen.  I’m going to call Danny’s agent right now.