I think at this point I can back off my commitment to post each day.  It was initially just a way of prompting me to blog again.  I’ve been blogging pretty regularly, so I think I’m back in the swing of it.  If I keep making myself blog every day, then I’m just going to end up cheating and putting up more cat videos.  (Which, btw, never get old.)  I’m going to go back to my old method of posting when I actually have something half way decent to go on about.  Which means I’ll probably average about 3-4 posts a week.  Still a pretty good average if you ask me.

There’s nothing like having a one way conversation about something that no one else really cares about.  Which reminds me of video clip!

I had little sleep the last two nights after a heavy night of barfing up greasy food on Saturday.  You didn’t need to know that and yet there it is.  The last thing I feel like doing is writing a post.  Yet here it is.

Not enough? Here’s another one.

I think that last cat is me today.

And whatever happened to Cheney?  Believe me, I don’t want him to come back or anything.  I just want to know where he’s at so he can’t sneak up from behind and bit me on the neck.  My guess is that after the last election, his blackened spirit was denied corporeal form and went flying back to Mordor.  Where the shadows lie.  After lie after lie after lie.

Also, have you noticed how Biden is practically invisible?  Of course, if you were Obama, you might want to keep it that way.  Every time Biden opens his mouth I cringe.  Hell, I saw him on a morning show talking about Avatar and it made me uncomfortable.  How for the love of God can you seem that dimwitted about such a dimwitted movie?  He couldn’t even remember the name of it.  He was saying, “That, uh, that thing at the movies where they come at you through the screen, uh . . .   .”  Finally, the interviewer said, “Avatar!  It’s called Avatar, Mr. Vice-President!  For the love of Fuck how do you not know the name of the movie you just saw?  It’s on the cover of every freakin’ magazine in the country!  The trailer is on ever five minutes!  Avatar!  Avatar Avatar Avatar!’  Then secret service men rushed the guy off camera and Biden just went on talking about “those big flying things that grab you with their grabbin’ things.”  Painful to watch.  Truly painful.

But I dig Obama enough that Biden can’t even ruin it for me.  I don’t even expect that much from him.  Bush set the bar so low that all Obama has to do is not destroy the world.

This President has been lizard approved.

It’s reminding me why I loved reading Elmore Leonard so much.  I actually cut myself off from Elmore Leonard years ago.  I used to have this rule with books.  If I had read twenty novels by the same author, I figured it was time to move on.  Plus, you read that much by one person and it starts to lose its appeal.  You start noticing characters and plot devices being repeated and it makes the stories seem too formulaic.  Back then I thought if I really wanted to revisit an author, I would wait until I was an old man and then I would pick them up again.  Well, I am sort of an old man now.  I mean, the current me doesn’t think I am.  But the younger me who made that rule would definitely call me old.  So maybe I can pick up some Elmore Leonard again.

By the way, the Spam Comment of the Week Award goes to the d-bag who left this one:  No matter what others say, I think it is still interesting and useful maybe necessary to improve some minor things. I was just impressed that it wasn’t linked to a penis enlargement ad.

This is big news here at Brain Lizards.  The staff and I are very excited.  As long as he doesn’t come around asking for money like so many of my distant cousins.  This guy was over six feet long when they found him.  He was being carried on the back of a local villager, presumably destined to be dinner for a month.  That was six years ago.  It’s taken them that long to thoroughly check him out and determine that he is, indeed, a new species.

They also found that his credit record is spotless, which is quite  impressive for a monitor lizard.

Unlike other monitors his size, he doesn’t hunt deer or people.  He climbs trees and eats fruit.  Not only a clean credit history, but a health nut as well.  He’s making the rest of us lizards look kind of bad.  Although, I’m very impressed by his ability to stay hidden from scientists for so long.  I’ve spent much of my life hiding from annoying friends and relatives, so I feel a bond with this lizard.  I think they should name him after me.

One of the perks of discovery, however, is that scientists now say they can oversee efforts to protect this species from extinction.  My guess is the first step will be to ask the local villagers to stop eating them.

There is one tidbit that oddly enough wasn’t reported in all of the articles. I read on Telegraph.co.uk that this guy has a double penis.

In summary:  good credit, health nut, and double penis.

I salute you O’ misanthropic lizard!

I felt like I was back in Chicago.  There, Spring was a myth told by people from other non-Chicago places.  These places  were also a myth.  There was no where else; there was only Chicago.  A land with three seasons:  Winter, Summer, Winter.  The summer arrived without warning.  It was cold cold cold cold, then, BOOM, hot hot hot hot.  Last night felt like that.  My whole body was on fire.  I guess I could have turned on the air conditioning at any point.  But I had committed myself to holding out.  Now, I’m not sure why.  I kept thinking, I know a cool breeze will rush through these windows any second.  If I turn on the air it might get TOO cold.  Then I will be a failure and my wife will no longer love me.

So I sat there in the heated stink of my melting flesh.

Then I ate ice cream.

I asked myself what I used to do in Chicago to keep cool.  The answer was freezer pops.  We used to keep a freezer full of those pops.  They brought your temp down instantly.  There were no freezer pops last night, but thankfully there was ice cream.  I had a big bowl of vanilla.  My favorite flavor.

Ok, you can just kiss my ass right now with the commentary about vanilla being my favorite flavor.  There’s nothing wrong with that.  It doesn’t mean I’m boring.  It doesn’t mean I’m white bread.  It just means that I appreciate the simpler things in life.  Things like vanilla.

The vanilla ice cream did the trick.  My temp dropped and I cried.  I broke down and cried from joy.  Also, I was holding the bowl between my thighs and they got a little freezer burnt, I think.  I lied down on the couch waiting for the rush of cool air from the open windows, but it never came.  I remembered that heat rises.  For fear that I would soon start to rise, I lied down in the floor.  It was much cooler there and that was how I finally fell asleep.

Tonight, I turn on the goddamn air conditioner.

Here.  Watch this.  This was me waking up this morning.

Futurama, the greatest show of all time, returns to Comedy Central in June with all new episodes.

In honor of this occasion I present my top ten Futurama moments.

1.  In the first episode, Fry realizes that he’s woken up 500 years into the future.  “All of my friends and family . . . everyone I knew . . . they’re all gone.”  Slight pause.  “Woo-hoo!”

2.  Old Man Waterfall, who is being attacked by a giant crab monster, says, “You can crush my body but you can’t crush my spirit!”  Crab monster steps on Old Man Waterfall and we hear a frail voice cry, “Ow, my spirit!”

3.  Fry and Dr. Zoidberg are fighting to the death.  Zoidberg, always terrible at human anatomy, points at Fry’s neck and says, “I will crush him here, in the testicles.”  Fry looks at this friends and pleads, “Please, don’t anyone correct him.”

4.  The 80s guy is dying of from bone-itis.  His last words:  “My only regret is that I have bonitis.”

5.  Whenever Mom says, “Jam a squirrel in it, you ape!”

6.  Fry and Bender enlist in the army to get the army discount on gum.  Fry asks, “We can join for the gum discount and then just quit, right?”  Recruiter:  “That’s right.  Unless war were declared.”  Fry and Bender sign the papers.  An alarm sounds off.  Fry asks, “What’s that about?”  Recruiter:  “War were declared.”

7.  Earth defeats the aliens that look like giant bouncing balls.  The newspaper headline reads, “Earth Wins War!  Balls Thoroughly Licked!”

8.  Old Man Waterfall to Bender:  “Son, where I come from a robot is just a toaster with sparks comin’ out of it.”  Bender:  “The sparks keep me warm.”

9.  At the Bot-Mitzvah, Fry asks the robot rabbi if he believes in Robot Jesus.  Rabbi:  “We believe there was a Robot Jesus, and that he was a very well programed robot, but that he was not our messiah.”

10.  Fry is on the moon, chasing after a rescue ship.  The ship eludes him.  Angrily, he takes his space helmet and throws it on the ground.  He promptly collapses from lack of oxygen.

I actually picked these moments because they were easiest to communicate on paper.  Also, they were the best ones I could remember off hand.  Truth being, there are so many many more great Futurama moments.  Hopefully the new episodes won’t suck and there will be even more great Futurama moments to come.

Like this one:

That’s all I have time for today.  Don’t push me.

“I have a distinct vision on this and I truly wished I had the time right now. I’ll go ahead and subscribe and when I have a chance I’ll leave my opinion. Remarkable blog by the way. I’m trying to get one going but my programming friend is slacking off on me. Thanks again for your post!
Your Friend – Darci Morga.”

They left this one on my very first post, Birth of a Lizard.  The entry was all about why I was starting to blog again.  How can they have a “distinct vision” about that?  If I were stupid enough to fall for that, then I would deserve to have a friend like Darci Morga.  (Oh, look!  A carrot under a box propped up by a stick!  Let me at it, nom nom nom!)  And let me tell you something, Darci.  If you need a “programming friend” to set up your blog for you, then you are an idiot.  If you really need help starting one, let me refer you to a helpful tool called the internet.  You know, that thing that your blog is going to appear on?  Oh, there I go again.  Acting  like these robots are real people.

Morga is kind of a cool name.  I want it to be my name now.  King Morga.  I like the sound of it.

Keep ‘em comin’, you assholes.  Keep ‘em comin’.

Mom, take me to the drive-in to see a rated ‘R’ ninja movie.
Sure thing, Son! As long as you pay.

I have nothing bad to say about The Octagon. The best parts are the near constant inner monologues Chuck has complete with echo effect. “Brother (brother-brother-brother) . . . Can it really be you (you-you-you-you)?” My only criticism is that for such a bad-ass ninja warrior, he chooses to go for the nut kick way too much. He should be above that.

The second movie was Norris’ Hellbound released in 1994 This film was horrible and under no circumstances could I ever recommend it to anyone. Not anyone that I liked. I was going to spend this post making fun of it. But after running back over the plot in my head, the film does a much better job of that than I could ever do. So here is complete synopsis of the movie. Allow me to spoil this terrible piece of shit for you.

The film begins in the middle ages. King Richard the lion hearted is leading a procession to a monastery. Once there, Prosatanos (a guy who may or may not be the devil) locks everyone up and then prepares to sacrifice a baby. He is stopped and shut away in an ancient tomb. We are told of a prophecy where he will return and only one of King Richard’s heirs can kill him. Cut ahead to 1951 when two grave robbers reawaken Prosatanos. Having little else to do until the movie picks up in 1994, he seems to spend the next forty-three years watching basketball and hanging out with whores in seedy hotels. Finally, 1994 arrives. Fade in on Chicago detectives, Sgt. Shatter (Chuck Norris) and his sidekick Jackson (generic racist representation of black man offering embarrassing comic relief). Shatter & Jackson are trying to perfect their good cop/bad cop routine. The problem is that it comes off more as crazy cop/crazy cop and the perps generally run away confused. Cut to the inside of a seedy hotel. Why, it’s Prosatanos. He’s watching a televised basketball game with another cheap whore. A rabbi covertly sneaks into the room (which is to say, he just walks in) and stabs Prostanos with an ancient cross-sword. Prosatanos rips out Rabbi Shindler’s heart and laughs. (Also, the bet part of the movie, btw.) He shows rabbi heart to whore, and then throws her out a window. Cut to Shatter & Jackson who use their keen detective senses to notice that a dead whore has landed on their car. They face down Prosatanos, nothing very interesting happens, and the next thing we know we’re in Israel. Now Shatter & Jackson spend the majority of the film doing what appears to be a Travel channel spotlight on Jerusalem. Along the way they encounter Jerusalem’s version of the Artful Dodger. The mischievous street urchin steals Jackson’s wallet and the two cops give hot pursuit. They can’t actually run very fast, but they keep complaining about the heat. Shatter catches up with the boy and sets him straight. He does this by stealing the contents of Jackson’s wallet for himself. Cut to Jackson’s comic reaction at receiving an empty wallet. When will that silly racial stereotype learn? Ha ha ha. Shatter & Jackson discover that Prosatanos is posing as an archeologist trying to dig up some ancient uninteresting thing. We learn that when Prosatanos is disguised as a human, he has a British accent; when he’s the devil (or whatever) he speaks in a deep, heavy metal back-masking voice. (YEAH! ROCK N’ ROLL!) Occasionally, we see a robed figure who may or may not be Jesus Christ watching over Shatter & Jackson. So many uninteresting things happen that I can’t even keep up with them. Shatter & Jackson interrogate a suspect using their crazy cop/crazy cop technique. They learn nothing because he freaks out and runs away. Finally, the film’s climax arrives. (Climax might be way too exciting a word for it, actually.) Prosatanos is all arrogant because he can only be killed by this person under that circumstance blah blah blah. Shatter gets pissed off and kicks his ass back to Hell anyway. Now the real shock is revealed: Under his human disguise, Prosatanos really looks like a demon! I know, who would have thought it? Shatter & Jackson discuss how best to go back to Chicago and explain to their Chief that they’re been following a lead in the Middle East. The Jesus guy pops up again and delivers an inner monologue (without echo). It seems to suggest that said “Jesus guy” is actually the heir to King Richard and, according to ancient prophecy, was himself supposed to stop Prosatanos. But since Chuck Norris entered the picture, he just decided to let him handle it instead. He says something like, The world has a new hero, and the director punishes us with another epilogue scene. Cut to the Tel Aviv Airport. Shatter & Jackson are saying goodbye to thier mischievous street urchin friend. As the cops turn to go, we see the boy with Jackson’s wallet. Jackson feels up his own ass and realizes that his wallet is missing! He turns to chase the boy.  Freeze frame on the smiling boy as credits begin to roll to a cheesy upbeat synth score.

I shit you not. That was it in a nutshell. If Prosatanos really does return, all we have to do is show him this movie to vanquish him.

Talking about this movie has made the room smell bad.  I better go and light a match before Shatter & Jackson show up and start acting all “crazy cop” on my ass.