I never intended to complete all of the Red Dead Redemption ambient challenges.  But recently I saw I was so close, it seemed a shame not to finish them.

First off, I had to kill a bear with just a hunting knife.

So, off I went . . .

Again . . .

and again . . .

and again .

The biggest obstacle was when I had a bear right where I wanted him, another bear would sneak up and donkey punch me from behind.  So to speak.

I formulated a new plan involving a nice bit of raised land.  My logic being that bears can’t climb very well.  I thought I would lure the bear there, and then stab, retreat up hill, lunge stab, retreat up hill. and so on until the bear died.  Also, being on the hill gave me a good vantage for spying out those sneaky, back-biting bears.

I placed the bait and I waited.  I waited a long time, tense and anxious.  Suddenly, I saw a man screaming and running for his life.  Oh, joy!  He was being chased by a Grizzly!  The man ran past my knoll and I readied my knife.  I lunged at the bear with a blood-curdling scream!

The bear ignored me and kept right on running after the screaming man.

“Hey! Come back here, you!”

I took off running after the bear.  I had no idea how fast bears ran in this game!  I could hardly keep up with him.

So there was the screaming man being chased by the bear being chased by me.  We ran up mountains.  We ran down mountains.  We ran across a bridge and into the snowy peaks of Canada.  Once in a while, I managed to just barely catch up with the bear.  At which point, I would quick-stab him in his fat bear ass just before he shot ahead of me.  The screaming man was now so far ahead of both of us that his screams were faint yelps in the distance.  I was losing my thumb endurance and was badly in need of a beverage and possibly a snack.  It was by about the 100th time I butt-stabbed the bear that he went down.  I suppose I shouldn’t be proud of the method, but it was a tremendous feeling of accomplishment.  And now I know exactly how many butt stabs it takes to fell a bear.  They’ll be talking about this one at the trading posts for decades to come.

“Why, I heard tell John Marsten once saved a man’s life by chasing a Grizzly bear plum to Canada!  Then he kilt it with only a knife!”

Ah, it feels good to be a living legend.  Even if only among the little pixel people that I pretend are real.

But here’s the short.  Watch it.  It’s good for you.

The verdict?

This is one of the most batshit crazy games I have ever played.

I don’t mean “crazy” as in there’s lots of explosions and the like.  Sure, it’s got that all over the place.  I mean “crazy” in the sense that

IT – IS – CRAZY.

The game starts during the Bay of Pigs Invasion where you track down and shoot Fidel Castro in the head.  Only it turns out to be Castro’s double.  (Oops).  You are then arrested and given to the Russians, who send you to a Gulag.  You join in a riot, escape the Gulag, and it’s off to meet with JFK who orders you to assassinate a diabolical Russian mastermind.  That’s all within the first fifteen minutes.

Keep in mind that the Call of Duty games have traditionally been very somber World War II reenactments.  Not anymore, baby.  This installment features a co-op mode where you can fight zombies.  Does that sound crazy enough?  How about if I told you that you and a friend can play as Kennedy and Nixon defending the Oval office from a rampaging, undead horde?  Yeah, I thought that might do it.

The story is so over-the-top ridiculous that it flirts with parody.  Flirts?  Hell, it jumps in the backseat and full on makes out with parody.  Later in the game, you have to interrogate an ex-Nazi scientist about the dreaded “Nova 6″ experiments.  What’s Nova 6?  I’m not really sure.  But it’s green and kills instantly on contact.  So if someone yells, “NO-VAAAAH SIX,” you should definitely run.

Of course, all of these things are flashbacks.  The present story takes place in an interrogation chamber where your character is drugged and being pressed for information.  Like in the old Prisoner TV Series:

“What do you want?”

“We want information.  Information.  INFORMATION!”

Who’s interrogating you?  Well, now, that would be telling.  But let’s just say that it could be either the CIA, KGB, or aliens from outer space.  Oh, or zombies.

Yet, miraculously, it all sort of works.  It’s like the Vietnam play that Max Fischer puts on in Rushmore.  It’s so insane that you end up in awe of it.

Modern Warfare 2 (and Call of Duty: Black Ops hitting shelves next week).  No argument here.  I love the Call of Duty/Modern Warfare games, but they do fit the description put forward by California.  There’s 2 games.  One of which hasn’t come out yet.

Madworld.  This one keeps surfacing in news clips about the video game debate.  It’s a black and white, cartoonish title that came out for the Wii almost two years ago.  But, again, human on human violence is depicted, so let’s chalk it up.  There’s a big 1.

Well, that’s it.  Goodnight folks!

Sort of anticlimactic, isn’t it?  I didn’t bother throwing in sports titles, since that violence, although more real than anything else out there, is never considered bad.  Also, I skipped other war titles because most of them are people shooting each other, blowing each other up, and/or knifing each other in the back.  California has said that it only takes issue with depictions of “ultra-violence.”  Of course, they never clearly define what that means.  It’s a “I know it when I see it” sort of thing.  I’m assuming they mean stuff along the lines of beating people with their own limbs, eye-socket raping, and chainsawing bibles.  The games that come close to qualifying are exempt for the simple reason that they rarely, if ever, depict human on human violence.  Herein lies my point:  most video games are fantasies in which violence is carried out against imaginary creatures, such as zombies, orcs, robots, aliens, dragons, plants, ghosts, werewolves, goblins, and an assortment of hard to describe, Cloverfield-sized baddies usually reserved for boss battles.  But no people.  Unless you count the occasional douche who joins your Left 4 Dead game and then whacks people in the head when they’re not looking.  That shouldn’t be counted since those people usually end up being kicked from the game.

The truth of the matter is that the general public is less interested in depictions of real violence and more interested in high fantasy.  At least where video games are concerned.  I love me some good video game violence, but it’s not a determining factor in whether or not I buy a game.  Of course, this case isn’t about protecting me.  It’s about protecting “our children.”  Never mind the fact that most video game consumers are between their late twenties and early forties.  I believe the most recent percentage is estimated at around 66% of the market.

I have a great idea.  If the state of California is so concerned about minors playing violent video games, maybe they should offer public seminars on how to be a better parent.  And while they’re at it, they could take a look at some of the movies Guvnuh Schwarzenegger has made.  They’re pretty violent stuff, you know?

I learned a couple of very important lessons from all of this. First, ambien kicks in faster than I thought. And second, it is possible to take a trip without ever leaving your living room.

This is the kind of insanity I’m talking about. I feel like I’m still medicated just watching it now.

Now, they’re playing Wii Sports in resting homes for Christ’s sake!

It makes me slightly angry.  Some of the same people who told me that video games would rot my brain are now waving Wiimotes around in public like they just don’t care.  I knew I was onto a good thing if they just would have listened to me.

I don’t even know why we’re still calling them “video games?”  It’s such a dated term it’s almost embarrassing to say.  With the release of a title like Heavy Rain it becomes even less appropriate.  The entire experience of this “game” is more or less an interactive movie.  You watch the narrative, and occasionally perform timed button presses (“quick time events” for you noobs) to continue the story.  You’re not shooting aliens or traversing mazes; you’re simply guiding the events of the story.  No more a game than is reading a book, really.  But we are so accustomed to calling them video games that I’m not sure if anything else would work.  I thought of combining “game” with “cinema.”  Then I got “Gamenema.” 

Hey, gang!  Anyone up for a gamenema?

You won’t make many friends like that.  Not the good kind anyway.  I’ll keep working on it.

For those interested, here’s the Gears of War 3 trailer that debuted on Fallon’s show.

I admit that I do it, but I haven’t done it for a while.  I’m afraid that when I do it again, I won’t remember how.  Or I won’t be able to last very long.  Also, I don’t like it when people make fun of how I do it.  Or call me bad names and tell me that I’m doing it wrong.  The worst part is when you’re doing it and it freezes up on you.  Then it kicks you out and you can’t get back in.

You know, I could go on like this all day.  Making sexual euphemisms out of modern warfare gameplay could be my new pastime.

–My ancestral home was destroyed.  I hit the road looking for revenge and treasure.  Heavy emphasis on the treasure.  My partner is a dog who keeps wanting me to pet his belly.

–My first two human sidekicks!  A knight named Alistair and a mage with big knockers.  They both complain way too much.

–The game keeps telling me that my dog senses something valuable buried in the ground.  When I try to get the dog to search, he just wants me to pet his belly.  Wtf???

–Finally I have a full human party!  I paid a guy to join with me.  He was in jail and I offered to free him, but he seemed more interested in staying caged.  So I actually had to pay him.  How bad do I suck?  Anyway, now the dog has to wait at camp.  Sorry doggy.

–On the road we killed some thieves.  Actually, they tried to surrender and run away, but we chased them and pummeled them to death against a big rock.  Then we found some rats to kill.  I’m hoping we get stronger soon.

–Or first quest!  The gayish wood elves are having a problem . . . with werewolves!  Exciting, huh?  They need us to kill the Werewolf King.  Sounds easy enough.  Off we go.

–Or first big battle!  We killed a bear!  Alistair and prisoner guy make great fodder.  I hid behind them until the bear was almost dead.  The mage apparently has the ability to turn into animals.  She turned into another bear and then commiserated with the actual bear about how bad a leader I am.  If she weren’t being voiced by actress Claudia Black, I would have fired her on the spot.

–We end up killing all assortment of forest animals and talking trees, but still no werewolves.  Alistair complains too much.  He keeps saying, “We could be doing something other than standing here, but NOOOOOOO!”  I don’t like him.

–We enter an ancient temple.  Everyone dies and I end up having to kill a baby dragon by myself.  Then everyone comes back, don’t ask me how.  Still, no damn werewolves.

–We go up against a horde of undead and die . . . repeatedly.  I decide that the elves can suck my balls and we get the hell out of the forest.  Alistair says that thing that pisses me off, again.  I swap him out for the dog.  Right away the dog wants me to pet his belly.

–I decide we need to get stronger.  We go around sabotaging thieves and rats until we level up.  Then we go back to the undead soldiers.  We all die.  Nope, not strong enough yet.

–Kill more thieves and rats.  Head back.  Die again.  Leave.

–The prisoner guy confides that one of the wood elves keeps hitting on him.  I tell him not to be so uptight.  There might be treasure or skill points in it for him.

–Finally, I decide we all need a vacation.  We head up north for some R&R.  On the way, we’re ambushed by a baby dragon and we all die.

The End.

Quite the exciting tale, eh?  Now you know why it takes so long to finish one of these games.

–Barrage of abusive, angry MW2 fans.  Ready?  Three . . . two . . . one . . .  (Whistle Blows)

–Actually I think its meant to not work, you know . . . keeping consistency with the rest of the game

–Having taken the day off . . . Now it appears to have broken the whole of MW2 for me!  Great,thanks a lot!

–LOL!  Serves you right for taking the day off for a silly map pack.  Knobhead!

–Sunrise_phil took the day off work to play the new maps?  And the maps don’t work?  I can spot the connection . . . Do you work at Infinity Ward’s quality assurance?  Get back to work!

–Should have just booked a half-day.

–Ha Ha as the song goes “take ya broke ass home” IW you f**ked up and I love it mugs

–Oh yeah.  That famous song.

–Major Nelson is working on pushing out the title update.  It’s taking longer than my wife took to push my kids out.

–I blame the Russians.

I downloaded a new character last week and he has since become my personal hero.  He’s a 1970′s blacksploitation martial arts film star named Brock Lee.  Here was my first endeavor with him.  I thought I would throw a little Brock surprise at the people on top of the building in the background.  The video quality is pretty horrible, but you’ll get the idea. 

Brock Lee in “Take No Prisoners!”

Yep.  It went a little differently than I had planned.

My next attempt was craftier.  I thought I would try to reach the top of the building by applying the ricochet approach.

Brock Lee in “Happy Trails.”

You can’t see Brock’s progression very well due to the crappy video quality.  But let’s just say that he finally got that oceanside vacation he had been wanting. 

Ok, I decided to give it one last try.  But what was initially an attempt to scale a building ended in a confrontation with a radioactive beaver.

Brock Lee in “Brock Lee VS Beaverzilla.”

My second favorite Pain character is none other than David Hasselhoff.  Here I offer my reenactment of Hasselhoff’s career.

Followed by a short I lovingly call, “Hoff goes for the Big “O”.

And, lastly, a Hoff clip with very strong Freudian overtones.

I’m like the guy who forces people to watch home movies of his vacations, but I can’t help it.  The whole video capture thing amuses me to no end so expect plenty more.  But only once I find out how to improve the video quality.  

I’m thinking of writing to the makers of the game with suggestions for their next celebrity character.  I would love to hurl Patrick Swayze into some buildings.  Of course, he’d have to say, “Pain don’t hurt.”  How perfect would that be?