Caffeine and Cat Poop

This is a weekend of great change.

Over the last seven days I have weaned myself from coffee. I’m not sure if it’s really going to take. Today is my second day without it. I’m drinking green tea instead. I slept great last night. And I woke up much earlier than usual, feeling fully rested. But boy do I miss that get up and go from my first cup of coffee. Coffee smacks you on the ass and says, “Get to it, soldier!” Tea rests a calm hand on your shoulder and says, “I like Turtles.” Not quite the same. But, I’m going to give myself time to adapt.

Today is also the day that the cats and I bid farewell to the automated litter box.


For the last two and a half years, I have only had to clean the litter once every twelve days. But that luxury has come at a price. Approximately an extra twenty dollars a month. Having that extra $240 dollars a year might be worth having to clean the litter each day like a normal cat owner.

But I’m not going to like it.

The cats, however, will probably love it. They’ve never fully accepted relieving themselves on blue crystals. I mean, they do it. But they have a lot of attitude about it. They like scratching and burying their stuff. You can’t really do that with crystals. I hear them in their scratching forever. Then they leave the box and give me this very dissatisfied look. So, I’m sure they’ll be loving the hell out of a return to non-crystalized litter.

All right. Enough procrastinating. Time to go buy the new box. I’m going to need another tea after this.

World Premiere! I Made Something!

All work and no play is slowly destroying me. I decided I need a hobby. So I started drawing a comic. It makes me warm and happy inside.

With this first one, I learned an important lesson. DO NOT DRAW IN PENCIL. My tracing is for shit. And I don’t care what Banky says about it. For me, inking is tracing and I suck at it. From now on, I draw only in black ink.

(I know no one cares about that. So I’m publicly talking to myself. Too much solitary. I might be losing it.)

Anyway, here’s “Ai and Bob.”

Godzilla goes upside my brain

So, after working like a madman on a project this weekend, I decided to plop down in front of the tube for a little R n’ R. I saw there was a new Godzilla animated series from Japan. I thought, This should be fun and brainless. I have memories from childhood of the goofy Hanna-Barbera Godzilla cartoon.

This was not that cartoon.

I was totally not ready for the nihilistic, post-apocalyptic death-rant that is Godzilla Planet of Monsters.

It kind of got me down, man.

And there were Sci-fi concepts that I wasn’t prepared to wrestle with during a Godzilla cartoon.

Apparently, Godzilla fucked the earth up so bad that the human race said, Screw it, we’re leaving.  Kind of like I did at my last apartment.  They abandoned Earth in a spaceship and for twenty years. But it turns out, while it’s been 20 years in space, on Earth 20,000 years years have passed? I’m no physicist, but that doesn’t seem right.

They decide to travel back to Earth. (Which is 11 light years away, I get that much.) But they get back here in the same amount of time it takes me to drive to Wal-Mart? Wha???  That doesn’t seem right either. I just said, whatever, and tried to go along with the mayhem that followed. But this time stuff just kept nagging at the back of my brain like some kind of . . . Brain Lizard?  (Extra points for shameless self-plug.)

I’m not saying it’s a bad show. The animation is very pretty. And the action is intense!  It’s like watching someone else play a video game.

Watching it did not relax me in any way, shape, or form.

Just to be safe

On my way out of the building where I work, I overheard this from a local gun shop owner.

(Imagine a heavy, rural drawl.)

“Them liberal nutcakes all think that we’re the crazy ones! That we think the world is comin’ to an end. Well, I ain’t one of them crazy world-enders. I don’t believe in Armageddon.  I don’t.”

Pause.  Then he says,

“But if it happens, I’m sure as hell gonna be prepared for it!”

The Phantom Stink

The stairwell and hallway at the gym tonight have been befouled by a stench so heinous that it nearly defies description. The only things that could stink up the place this bad would be either a two week old corpse, or a fundamentalist Christian doing stand up. The most distinct odors I’m registering are cooked chocolate, so rich and cloying it smothers the smeller, along with burnt hair, and death.



Back in the eighties there was a Led Zeppelin clone band called, Kingdom Come.  Who could ever forget their debut album “In Your Face”?  I once played it for my wife and made her guess who they were imitating.

I said, “Okay, who are they trying to sound like?”

She says, “Hmm. 80s Rock?”

“That’s an it, not a who.”

“Is it Queen?”

“No. Try again.”

“Bon Jovi?”

“Are you even trying?”

“Well now I’m nervous. I can’t think.”

“You get one more guess.”


“Okay, we’re done here.”

“Was I right?”

“No! You are incredibly wrong.”

“It’s Metallica. You just don’t want to admit I’m right.”

Me sighing.

Louie Land

Last night I dreamed that Louisville’s various neighborhoods and townships were revamped into amusement park sections to draw tourists. We already have a Germantown in real life. In my dream, the residents there were being paid to dress in suspenders and lederhosen.

Churchill Downs was renamed Horsey Land. Everyone who lived there wore horse t-shirts.  But that was it.  I remember my dream self thinking how weird it was that they went to more effort dressing up Germantown than they did the home of the Kentucky Derby.  That’s just doesn’t make any sense.

I wish I could remember some of the others. I have a feeling they were priceless. But the dream is already evaporating into the ether.

The only other part I remember is that I was visiting all of the areas to see the changes, and I had to take a ferry to cross over to Germantown. (There is no such ferry in the real Louisville.) There was a woman with her teenage daughter on the boat. The woman and I started having a very nice conversation. Then she surreptitiously slipped me a note. It read, “We really can’t do this anymore. I have to think of my daughter.” I looked at her completely confused. She looked back at me smiling, as if nothing had happened. I slipped her back a note that said, “Are you a crazy person?” Then the ferry arrived and I went on to find some oom-pah-pah in German Land. Or Town. Whatever.

I want to go back there tonight so I can find Bourbonville.

More of me to love?

Yearly physical exam day.  Aka, The Shaming.

Dr: You’ve gained 20 lbs since September.

Me: I know.

Dr: (Deadly earnest.) Well, you know what you’ve gotta do.

Me: I know, I know. I’m starting next week.

Dr: Just make sure next week doesn’t keep turning into next week.

Me: Hey. Look. Gaining weight and losing weight are two things I do exceptionally well.

Dr: How about you come back in six months and prove it?

Me: A friendly wager might help motivate me.

Dr: All right. Get your weight down and I wager you’ll live longer.

Me: Was that a threat?

Dr: (Smirking and shaking his head, he turns back to his computer.) I don’t always understand your humor.

Me: Would it kill you to throw in a Starbucks gift card? Something?

Don’t Be A Big Stupid Idiot

So hilarious! Trump scoffs at global warming on Twitter.

Climate change. What a bunch of hooey! Right?

Silly liberal media! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

That’s sarcasm.

There is actually no argument here. The debate is over.

Scientists reached a consensus already.

The end.

You would think. And yet, we have returned to the Dark Ages. Science is distrusted. Intellectualism is despised. Logic and reason have left the building.

Throw the witch in the river. If she sinks, it’s a liberal conspiracy. If she floats, it’s fake news.

There needs to be a measure. A barometer.

I volunteer myself as that barometer.

I am not a genius. In fact, some may argue that I am, oh, not always the sharpest pencil in the . . . um . . . thing . . . that you put pencils . . . in?

Now, if even I have the sense to recognize that this Science is important stuff, then the rest of you have no excuse. Unless you’re just really really dumb. And you have to be pretty fucking dumb to make me look like a genius. For the love of God, do not let this become a world where I look like a genius! The bar must be higher than that.

It boggles my mind that anyone can deny this. There is such a distrust of the scientific community. Because, you know, they’re so much less credible than corporations and politicians. Trump doesn’t support global warming. Of course not. Why should he? There’s no upside for him. Where’s the profit in it. I don’t blame him. He’s being a Trump. It’s up to regular people to recognize the importance of scientific study.

You know. The same people who believe in Bigfoot, demonic possession, ghosts, UFOs, and angels.

Fuck. We’re doomed.


I misplace stuff all the time.  I know the cats know where my stuff is.  They probably know every corner of the house better than I do.

I said to Ruby today, “I wish you cats were magic and could talk so you could tell me where to find my phone.”

Ruby looked up and said,
“I am magic and I can talk.”
“Oh my God!” I yelled.
“I have no idea where you put your phone,” she said.
“Well, crap.”