Okay, I can finally get around to posting about Friday night’s double feature. Let me begin by saying that Wholly Moses and Human Centipede are not good movies. But, if you’re going to watch Human Centipede, I highly recommend watching Wholly Moses first. It makes Human Centipede seem so much better by comparison.
What can I say about Wholly Moses? How about nothing.
Human Centipede is a . . .
No, hold on, I really should say something about Wholly Moses. How about this; Wholly Moses is one of the worst movies I have ever watched. I have watched A LOT of movies. So, I guess you do have to give it credit for that. Making my all time worst movies list is not an easy feat to pull off. In fact, I don’t even have such a list. Thanks to this movie, I do now. Wholly Moses is currently holding strong at the first position.
Moving right along, if you haven’t heard of Human Centipede, it’s a much hyped horror movie in which a mad scientist kidnaps several people and constructs a “human centipede” by surgically connecting them ass to mouth. It breaks down like this: Segment #1 eats some food, shits it out into segment #2, who then digests it, and shits it out into segment #3, who then just shits it out. I hope my technical, medical jargon didn’t lose anyone.
All of this shitting and eating of shit, by the way, is never portrayed in the movie. (Believe me, I’m not complaining.) The ass-to-mouth business is also pretty tame. Bandages cover everything, so there’s little gross out factor at work their either. In fact, there’s hardly anything bad in this movie at all other than the core idea. I’m not even sure why the doc wanted to do this experiment in the first place. As near as I can tell, he had some dogs that died and I think he maybe just needed a new pet around the house. We do see a scene where he tries to teach the human centipede to fetch, so I think I might be onto something.
Honestly, I was expecting more segments in the centipede; at least five or six people. Three people seemed a little thin to me. And the guy in position #1 kept getting on my nerves. All he did was complain constantly. On and on, blah blah blah. I think that’s a time when you really have to be a “the glass is half full” kind of person. At least he didn’t have to eat anyone else’s shit. You might think I’m being hard on him, but I’ll bet good money that segments #2 and #3 envied the hell out of him. And when there’s someone in the world who envies you, things can’t be all bad.
For the movie itself, I can’t recommend it as entertainment in the normal sense. But I will say that it could make a great party movie. The look on others’ faces while they watch it would be worth the price of a rental alone. Also, it could spark some great dialogue among spectators. For instance, if you were making human centipede, who would you include? I’d have to go with the old standard of Jane Seymour, Andrew Dice Clay, and Cindy Williams. Come one, what else are they doing these days?
Stay tuned this coming week for my reaction to Toy Story 3.