A new species of Monitor lizard was discovered!
This is big news here at Brain Lizards. The staff and I are very excited. As long as he doesn’t come around asking for money like so many of my distant cousins. This guy was over six feet long when they found him. He was being carried on the back of a local villager, presumably destined to be dinner for a month. That was six years ago. It’s taken them that long to thoroughly check him out and determine that he is, indeed, a new species.
They also found that his credit record is spotless, which is quite impressive for a monitor lizard.
Unlike other monitors his size, he doesn’t hunt deer or people. He climbs trees and eats fruit. Not only a clean credit history, but a health nut as well. He’s making the rest of us lizards look kind of bad. Although, I’m very impressed by his ability to stay hidden from scientists for so long. I’ve spent much of my life hiding from annoying friends and relatives, so I feel a bond with this lizard. I think they should name him after me.
One of the perks of discovery, however, is that scientists now say they can oversee efforts to protect this species from extinction. My guess is the first step will be to ask the local villagers to stop eating them.
There is one tidbit that oddly enough wasn’t reported in all of the articles. I read on Telegraph.co.uk that this guy has a double penis.
In summary: good credit, health nut, and double penis.
I salute you O’ misanthropic lizard!
Do you think if I eat him I’ll absorb his credit history?
You can keep the double penis, though. I think the practical implications of this genetic aberration are probably overrated.
That said, if he’s a good source of protein then it could be a triple win. You can kind of understand why he’s so popular with the locals (must be very hard to get a good credit rating on Luzon Island).
Absorb credit history by eating him? Hmmm. Looks like we might have to make a trip to Luzon Island ourselves. Let’s just hope afterwords that we don’t also acquire a penchant for climbing trees. Or the double penis. Yikes.
Let’s eat, I need a bank loan.
Incidentally – is it me, or do all these lizards look the same? It’s like:
Me: “Is that Geoff, you know, the Luzon Lizard from yesterday?”
You: “What? No! That – that’s Carl, he’s the Komodo. With the shirt, you remember?”
Me: “Oh, in the hotel lobby, the talky one, right?”
You: “That was Frank, he’s a Gila. You – Frank doesn’t even look like a Komodo. He’s not even the same size. Or colour.”
Me: “He looks like a Luzon, though, right – I mean – right?”
You: “No.”
Me: “Really? Are you – I mean – are you messing with me? Because if you are – ”
You: “Two penises, Niall, count them.”
Me: “I don’t want to.”
You: “You’re a freaking idiot, you know that?”
Me: “Are those peanuts – you know – yours, did you pay for them? Because if they’re not, I could really – I’m hungry, are you hungry?”
You: “Fuck off.”
Me: “They’re not yours then? Oh hey, look, it’s Ray. Over there – no, that’s Geoff, definitely. Oh God, I wish he’d put those away.”
Etc.
Wow. That was like a David Mamet play. Or the Luzon Island equivalent of a David Mamet play.
If you ever see an episode of The Unit or The Shield with lizards in it you can pretty much rest assured I ghost-wrote those for him. I’m his go-to lizard-guy.