I just started playing a sword and sorcery game on the Xbox 360.  It’s called Dragon Age Origins.  Here’s a rundown of how it’s been going for me.

–My ancestral home was destroyed.  I hit the road looking for revenge and treasure.  Heavy emphasis on the treasure.  My partner is a dog who keeps wanting me to pet his belly.

–My first two human sidekicks!  A knight named Alistair and a mage with big knockers.  They both complain way too much.

–The game keeps telling me that my dog senses something valuable buried in the ground.  When I try to get the dog to search, he just wants me to pet his belly.  Wtf???

–Finally I have a full human party!  I paid a guy to join with me.  He was in jail and I offered to free him, but he seemed more interested in staying caged.  So I actually had to pay him.  How bad do I suck?  Anyway, now the dog has to wait at camp.  Sorry doggy.

–On the road we killed some thieves.  Actually, they tried to surrender and run away, but we chased them and pummeled them to death against a big rock.  Then we found some rats to kill.  I’m hoping we get stronger soon.

–Or first quest!  The gayish wood elves are having a problem . . . with werewolves!  Exciting, huh?  They need us to kill the Werewolf King.  Sounds easy enough.  Off we go.

–Or first big battle!  We killed a bear!  Alistair and prisoner guy make great fodder.  I hid behind them until the bear was almost dead.  The mage apparently has the ability to turn into animals.  She turned into another bear and then commiserated with the actual bear about how bad a leader I am.  If she weren’t being voiced by actress Claudia Black, I would have fired her on the spot.

–We end up killing all assortment of forest animals and talking trees, but still no werewolves.  Alistair complains too much.  He keeps saying, “We could be doing something other than standing here, but NOOOOOOO!”  I don’t like him.

–We enter an ancient temple.  Everyone dies and I end up having to kill a baby dragon by myself.  Then everyone comes back, don’t ask me how.  Still, no damn werewolves.

–We go up against a horde of undead and die . . . repeatedly.  I decide that the elves can suck my balls and we get the hell out of the forest.  Alistair says that thing that pisses me off, again.  I swap him out for the dog.  Right away the dog wants me to pet his belly.

–I decide we need to get stronger.  We go around sabotaging thieves and rats until we level up.  Then we go back to the undead soldiers.  We all die.  Nope, not strong enough yet.

–Kill more thieves and rats.  Head back.  Die again.  Leave.

–The prisoner guy confides that one of the wood elves keeps hitting on him.  I tell him not to be so uptight.  There might be treasure or skill points in it for him.

–Finally, I decide we all need a vacation.  We head up north for some R&R.  On the way, we’re ambushed by a baby dragon and we all die.

The End.

Quite the exciting tale, eh?  Now you know why it takes so long to finish one of these games.