I’m sick of shows with vampires who are all morally conflicted. “I have to drink blood to survive, but I don’t want to hurt anybody. What ever will I do? Bah-wah!” Oh, stick a cross in it and vampire up, you pussy. You’re a vampire, it’s okay. You’re excused. Man, if I were a vampire I would bite everybody. I mean, everybody. The mailman, social workers, the girl at Starbucks, everybody. You’d have to be like that after a while to spice things up a little. “Hey, I’ve never bitten a White Castle employee. I wonder if they taste like grilled onions? Come over here, Pimples. Nom nom nom nom!” These wimpy “modern” vampires would get bent over in a heartbeat by the old Hammer Horror Christopher Lee vampire. He didn’t give a fuck about anybody. That was one pissed off vampire. He stayed pissed off all the time too. Even biting people didn’t relax him. It just made him madder. He’d drain someone like a Capri-Sun, then he’d angrily throw their limp body down all disgusted. Like they weren’t exactly what he was in the mood for, so he was all pissed off about it. And you could not kill his ass no matter what you did to him. He was burned, disintegrated, impaled on a giant cross, and stabbed through the heart with a wooden wagon wheel. He came back each time madder than Samuel L. Jackson on a snake-filled plane. That was one bad ass vampire. Of course, equally as angry but with more velvety smoothness was the title character from Marvel Comics 1970s Tomb of Dracula series. He was the Billy Dee Williams of Draculas. He would have been a great spokesman for Colt 45 except he didn’t drink . . . alcohol. At one point in the series he even knocked a woman up! How many vampires can do that? I mean, their bodies are physically dead so getting an erection takes an unimaginable force of willpower. That fucker sure had it. In the comic you’d see him sitting on his throne of evil and in the background would be his woman all huge and preggers. He’d be smiling like, “Uh-huh. I made that.” He even pretended to be Satan and tricked a Church of devil worshipers into being his bitches.

Bad ass.

Yeah, these modern day vamps are little girls. Literally, if you ever saw Interview With A Vampire. They need to take a page out of the book of Old Skoolers like Daracula. Oh, and that other Dracula. And, of course, there’s also Dracula.  How could I forget him.

Don’t even get me started on Blacula. I don’t want to say too much about him here. I have to save something for my MLK Day post.