To see in my birthday this year, I watched a couple of Chuck Norris movies with a friend of mine. The first, The Octagon, is an age old favorite of mine. Partly because I first saw it at the drive-in when I was a kid. One of the few positives to having a bi-polar parent:

Mom, take me to the drive-in to see a rated ‘R’ ninja movie.
Sure thing, Son! As long as you pay.

I have nothing bad to say about The Octagon. The best parts are the near constant inner monologues Chuck has complete with echo effect. “Brother (brother-brother-brother) . . . Can it really be you (you-you-you-you)?” My only criticism is that for such a bad-ass ninja warrior, he chooses to go for the nut kick way too much. He should be above that.

The second movie was Norris’ Hellbound released in 1994 This film was horrible and under no circumstances could I ever recommend it to anyone. Not anyone that I liked. I was going to spend this post making fun of it. But after running back over the plot in my head, the film does a much better job of that than I could ever do. So here is complete synopsis of the movie. Allow me to spoil this terrible piece of shit for you.

The film begins in the middle ages. King Richard the lion hearted is leading a procession to a monastery. Once there, Prosatanos (a guy who may or may not be the devil) locks everyone up and then prepares to sacrifice a baby. He is stopped and shut away in an ancient tomb. We are told of a prophecy where he will return and only one of King Richard’s heirs can kill him. Cut ahead to 1951 when two grave robbers reawaken Prosatanos. Having little else to do until the movie picks up in 1994, he seems to spend the next forty-three years watching basketball and hanging out with whores in seedy hotels. Finally, 1994 arrives. Fade in on Chicago detectives, Sgt. Shatter (Chuck Norris) and his sidekick Jackson (generic racist representation of black man offering embarrassing comic relief). Shatter & Jackson are trying to perfect their good cop/bad cop routine. The problem is that it comes off more as crazy cop/crazy cop and the perps generally run away confused. Cut to the inside of a seedy hotel. Why, it’s Prosatanos. He’s watching a televised basketball game with another cheap whore. A rabbi covertly sneaks into the room (which is to say, he just walks in) and stabs Prostanos with an ancient cross-sword. Prosatanos rips out Rabbi Shindler’s heart and laughs. (Also, the bet part of the movie, btw.) He shows rabbi heart to whore, and then throws her out a window. Cut to Shatter & Jackson who use their keen detective senses to notice that a dead whore has landed on their car. They face down Prosatanos, nothing very interesting happens, and the next thing we know we’re in Israel. Now Shatter & Jackson spend the majority of the film doing what appears to be a Travel channel spotlight on Jerusalem. Along the way they encounter Jerusalem’s version of the Artful Dodger. The mischievous street urchin steals Jackson’s wallet and the two cops give hot pursuit. They can’t actually run very fast, but they keep complaining about the heat. Shatter catches up with the boy and sets him straight. He does this by stealing the contents of Jackson’s wallet for himself. Cut to Jackson’s comic reaction at receiving an empty wallet. When will that silly racial stereotype learn? Ha ha ha. Shatter & Jackson discover that Prosatanos is posing as an archeologist trying to dig up some ancient uninteresting thing. We learn that when Prosatanos is disguised as a human, he has a British accent; when he’s the devil (or whatever) he speaks in a deep, heavy metal back-masking voice. (YEAH! ROCK N’ ROLL!) Occasionally, we see a robed figure who may or may not be Jesus Christ watching over Shatter & Jackson. So many uninteresting things happen that I can’t even keep up with them. Shatter & Jackson interrogate a suspect using their crazy cop/crazy cop technique. They learn nothing because he freaks out and runs away. Finally, the film’s climax arrives. (Climax might be way too exciting a word for it, actually.) Prosatanos is all arrogant because he can only be killed by this person under that circumstance blah blah blah. Shatter gets pissed off and kicks his ass back to Hell anyway. Now the real shock is revealed: Under his human disguise, Prosatanos really looks like a demon! I know, who would have thought it? Shatter & Jackson discuss how best to go back to Chicago and explain to their Chief that they’re been following a lead in the Middle East. The Jesus guy pops up again and delivers an inner monologue (without echo). It seems to suggest that said “Jesus guy” is actually the heir to King Richard and, according to ancient prophecy, was himself supposed to stop Prosatanos. But since Chuck Norris entered the picture, he just decided to let him handle it instead. He says something like, The world has a new hero, and the director punishes us with another epilogue scene. Cut to the Tel Aviv Airport. Shatter & Jackson are saying goodbye to thier mischievous street urchin friend. As the cops turn to go, we see the boy with Jackson’s wallet. Jackson feels up his own ass and realizes that his wallet is missing! He turns to chase the boy.  Freeze frame on the smiling boy as credits begin to roll to a cheesy upbeat synth score.

I shit you not. That was it in a nutshell. If Prosatanos really does return, all we have to do is show him this movie to vanquish him.

Talking about this movie has made the room smell bad.  I better go and light a match before Shatter & Jackson show up and start acting all “crazy cop” on my ass.