That’s right, it’s my birthday.  And the thing about having a birthday on St. Paddy’s is that I have to do twice as much drinking.  That means that I don’t have a lot of time to spend on this post.  It’s going to be quick and to the point.

More people need to shut the fuck up.

I know what you’re going to say.  “But Lizard King, we have been shutting the fuck up!”  Then how come you answered me?  Don’t answer again, nimrod.  Just shut the fuck up.

Here’s the problem.  There are way too many people who think they have worthwhile things to say.  Back in the day, these people would rant in their diaries and the rest of us had less headaches.  Now, thanks to my old nemesis/mistress, Technology, it’s a retarded meteor shower of opinionated assholes out there.  I can’t leave the house without getting hit in the head by one.  And they all start the same way, by saying, “IMO.” In your opinion, really?  Assuming that it is your opinion and that you haven’t borrowed it from some other asshole, why do you think it’s necessary to inform me that it’s your opinion?  I’m assuming right off the bat that it’s yours, okay?  Don’t cast unnecessary suspicion on yourself.  Or better yet, just shut the fuck up.

I took this shutting up thing to such heart that I ended up taking my own advice.  I thought, “wait a minute, I’m one more person droning on about things that are unimportant.  Mabye I should STFU!”  I stopped blogging and I kept my opinions between me, my wife, and my cats.  Now I realize that I was misguided.  I wasn’t one of the people in need of a good shutting up. You see, it isn’t everyone, just certain people.  That hadn’t occurred to me.  So now I’m offering up this simple guide of who needs to go STFU.  Keep in mind that if you’re on this list, and you comment on my blog, then you’ve already gotten it wrong.

1. Anyone under the age 25.  I know you all think that you have important things to say, but you really don’t yet.  Trust me.  By the time you do, you’ll be too beaten down to feel like sharing. So shut the fuck up.

2. Religious people.  This one is tricky.  Allow me to clarify.  If you are religious and you want to talk about anything other than religion or politics, jabber away.  You feel Jesus or whoever calling you to testify?  Then jam a squirrel in it instead.  Shut the fuck up.

3. Trekkies.  If you own a warehouse of Star Trek collectibles, go to Trek conventions, and can only get off by reading erotic fiction that takes place between Star Trek characters, then you, my friend, can have no serious opinion on anything.  So . . . ah, hell.  You know.

4. Servants of Cthulhu.  For God’s sake! Shut the fuck up before He hears you!!!

5. People who didn’t get #4.  Don’t ask me, “What does that mean, I don’t get it?”  Shut the fuck up for a minute and go look up H.P. Lovecraft’s Cthulhu Mythos.

6. My relatives.  For the love of God, shut the fuck up.

7. Avatar fans.  The movie sucked. Now shut the fuck up.

And finally, number eight.  This one is reserved that special person who reads this post and then offers up a point by point rebuttal.  You see, in actuality, this post is only halfway serious.  Number 4 on the list should have been a strong indication of that.  It’s something we here on planet Earth call “humor.”  I’m not going to tell you to shut the fuck up.  I’m really not.  I’m going to say that for you, this blog might be a little too advanced.  Take baby steps.  Go read some Erma Bombeck or Garrison Keillor.

9. Erma Bombeck and Garrison Keillor.  There wasn’t gong to be a #9, but when I typed their names, I thought, Wow, yeah.  They should be forever shutted the fuck upped.

And there we go.  A dummies guide to shutting it.  I hope that helps make the future a brighter place for all of us but mostly for me.  And I hope everyone has a great St. Paddy’s, even though it’s a complete blasphemy of a holiday.  Enjoy your green things and don’t forget to stay caught up on Lost.

Ah, hell.  I did it again.

10. Lost conspiracy theorists.  Just shut the fuck up, professor, and enjoy the damn show.

That is all.  Lizard King signing off.